Frustration is normal
Being annoyed when something you are trying to do keeps failing is a universal human experience. Play is designed to be challenging, so frustration is part of the deal. Feeling it does not mean you are playing badly or that you have a problem.
The question is what happens next. Mild frustration can motivate you to try a new approach. Intense anger can narrow your thinking, make you play worse, and leave you with a lingering bad mood. Frustration tolerance is the ability to stay reasonably steady while things are going wrong. It is a skill, and like most skills it can be improved.
What is happening when you boil over
When you feel strongly threatened or blocked, the body responds as it does to other stressors. Heart rate may rise, muscles may tense, breathing may get shallow and fast. Thinking tends to narrow toward the immediate problem, which makes it harder to judge calmly or try something new. That is why people often do the same failing thing again in a rage, and why they tend to say things afterward they would not have chosen to.
This is general information. People differ a great deal in how strongly and quickly they react, and some react more intensely for reasons such as tiredness, hunger, stress elsewhere in life, or sleep deprivation. A hard evening is often made harder by a hard day.
Know your early signs
It is far easier to cool down at annoyance than at fury. Learn your own early signals:
- Tight jaw, hunched shoulders or a hard grip on the controller or mouse
- Faster, shallower breathing
- Muttering, snapping at others or at the screen
- A feeling that the situation is unfair or rigged
- Thoughts like “I always lose” or “this is impossible”
- Repeating the same move faster and harder
When you notice two or three of these, treat that as the cue to act.
Techniques to cool down
None of these is magic, and different ones suit different people. Try a few and keep what works.
- Pause the moment you can. If you can pause or leave the match without harming teammates, do so. If not, make the next safe moment your pause.
- Breathe slowly. Breathing in gently through the nose and out more slowly through the mouth, for a minute or so, often lowers the body’s alarm. Some people find it helpful to make the out-breath longer than the in-breath.
- Release the tension. Drop your shoulders, unclench your hands and jaw, stretch your fingers. Standing up and moving around for a couple of minutes helps many people. A few chair stretches can be enough.
- Change the scene. Getting a drink of water, stepping outside or looking at something far away shifts your attention.
- Name it. Saying to yourself “I am frustrated” can make the feeling feel more manageable. Describing a feeling in words is a commonly recommended way to help regulate it, and it ties in with the broader subject of emotional regulation.
- Check the basics. Are you hungry, thirsty, tired, or has it been hours since a rest? Fixing the physical side often fixes the mood.
- Shrink the goal. Instead of “win this level,” try “make one clean attempt” or “figure out what is killing me.” A smaller goal reduces pressure.
- Quit while you can still think. If the anger is climbing, stopping for the day is a reasonable choice. Walking away and coming back fresh often goes better than another ten attempts. A short, planned break works better than quitting in a fury.
- Reframe the failure. Reminding yourself that failing is how the challenge teaches you can take away some of the sting. This is the same attitude behind learning from failure.
After the heat has passed
Once calm, a few minutes of reflection can reduce future blowups.
- What set me off: the game, the people, or my state before I sat down?
- What did I notice just before it got bad?
- What helped, even a little?
- What would I do differently next time?
Keep it brief and kind. Beating yourself up over losing your temper adds another layer of bad feeling.
If your anger spilled onto other people, a short apology, to a teammate or a family member who heard it, is usually appreciated and helps you feel better. Heated chat is also part of why many players want to know how to deal with toxic chat from the other side.
Building tolerance over time
Frustration tolerance tends to improve with steady habits more than with single techniques.
- Sleep and food. Rested, fed people usually cope better with setbacks.
- Match the challenge to your state. Save the hardest content for when you are fresh, and choose gentler play when you are tired or already stressed.
- Practice small failures. Deliberately repeating a task you are not good at, in a low-stakes setting, helps you get used to being bad at something. Persistence works the same way.
- Regular breaks. Planned short breaks stop frustration from building unnoticed over a long session.
- Mindfulness. Some people find that simple attention exercises help them notice anger sooner.
When it is more than a bad night
Occasional anger at a game is normal. It may be worth getting support if you often feel rage that seems out of proportion, if you damage property or hurt anyone, if the anger lingers and affects your relationships, or if you feel unable to control it. Talk to a doctor, counselor or other qualified professional. If anyone is in danger, contact local emergency services right away. This article gives general information, not medical advice.
For most people, though, the plan is modest: notice early, cool the body, change the scene, and be willing to stop. Play goes better when you are in a state to enjoy it.